Not all feedback deserves your attention
If you lead people, you get feedback all the time; whether you ask for it or not.
You make a difficult decision. Challenge a colleague in an executive meeting. Recognize someone whose performance has made a real difference. Deliver difficult feedback. Take a position others disagree with. Lead your team through change.
You hear plenty about what went well. The decision was sound. The conversation was necessary. Your leadership made a difference.
And then one person says:
“You came across too strongly.”
“You should have handled that differently.”
“You didn’t listen.”
Guess which comment follows you home?
Or maybe you’re considering a career move. You’ve had great conversations, your experience aligns, and you’re feeling confident about what’s next.
Then one interview doesn’t go well. Someone questions whether you have the right experience. Or you simply don’t hear back.
Suddenly, one interaction — or even silence — can outweigh everything that came before it and leave you second-guessing yourself.
Why do we give one piece of negative feedback so much more power than everything else we know to be true?
I’ve seen this countless times in my work with leaders, and I’ve certainly caught myself doing it too.
Recently, I had several great conversations with a potential new client. Everything pointed toward us working together. I felt confident we were moving forward.
And then I didn’t hear back.
At least, not as quickly as I thought I should.
Suddenly, I was questioning everything.
Did I say something wrong?
Had they changed their mind?
Did I misread the conversations?
Should I follow up again?
Nothing had actually happened. There was no negative feedback.
No one had said no.
I had simply turned silence into feedback and then treated my interpretation as fact.
Of course, they did get back to me. We’re now working together.
It was a good reminder that sometimes the feedback we need to examine isn’t even feedback we received.
It’s the story we created in the absence of it.
We’re told that great leaders are open to feedback.
Absolutely.
But being open to feedback doesn’t mean giving every piece of feedback equal weight.
One person’s opinion is a data point.
Several people telling you the same thing may be a pattern.
And sometimes, as I reminded myself, there isn’t even a data point.
Before allowing feedback — or your interpretation of what someone else might be thinking; to change how you see yourself, ask three questions:
Is it a pattern?
Have I heard this before, particularly from people whose judgment I trust?
Is it relevant?
Would changing this behavior make me more effective or help me become the leader I want to be?
Is it actionable?
Is there something specific I can actually do differently?
Sometimes the answers are yes.
That’s when feedback becomes incredibly valuable. It can show us something we can’t see for ourselves and give us an opportunity to get better.
But sometimes the answers are no.
And I think one of the less-discussed leadership skills and life skills - is knowing when to learn from feedback and when to let it go.
That takes both clarity and courage:
Clarity to separate useful feedback from noise.
Courage to change when the feedback deserves our attention
and enough confidence to let it go when it doesn’t.
Last month, I wrote about my own tendency to focus on the 12 biomarkers that were out of range instead of celebrating the 113 that were in range.
[Read “What’s Your 113?” here]
I’m bringing it back because I think there’s an important second part to that story.
The first was about noticing where we put our attention.
This one is about deciding what actually deserves it.
Don’t let the 12 erase the 113.
But don’t ignore the 12 either.
Figure out which ones deserve your attention.
So, two questions to consider:
What feedback are you carrying around that you might need to put down?
And perhaps more importantly:
What feedback have you heard more than once that it may finally be time to pay attention to?
Both take courage.
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